y did u give ur computer a hand job?
maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
Randomize
