I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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