I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
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