Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
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