So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
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