I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
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