She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
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