You're my little dorito
i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Randomize
