Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
