Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
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