genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
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