We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
Randomize
