Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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