When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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