Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
Come on in and take your pants off
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