and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
