you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
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