Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
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