Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
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