how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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