Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
