just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
