just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
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