i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
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