I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
am i morally bankrupt?
no. its just the recession
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Randomize
