you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize