Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Randomize
