I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
Randomize
