I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
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