That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Randomize
