Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
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