Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
