hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
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