I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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