So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
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