I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
Randomize
