i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
