I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
