You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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