please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Randomize
