I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
