9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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