I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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