All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
Randomize
