we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
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