there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
Randomize
