I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
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