Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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