i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Randomize
