This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
Randomize