I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Randomize
