I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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