The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
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