mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
Randomize
