All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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